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By thamike.com
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Rumsfeld Pleads "Not Guilty"

WASHINGTON, DC - Today Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld plead 'Not Guilty' in front of the Senate Armed Service Committee in response to charges of prisoner abuse, according to a high ranking US Official.

The now infamous abuse took place against Iraqi POWs being held at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Many lawmakers had called on Rumsfeld to admit his guilt in the abuse. Today, however, Rumsfeld told committee members that he was 100% innocent.

Ladies and Gentleman, I am completely innocent from these acts, said Rumsfeld. I mean, Christ in Heaven, how in the bejesus could I have shoved a broomstick up some guy's ass in Iraq when I am chilling here in the DC? I'm not Superman.

Rumsfeld
Rumsfeld: "I'm not Superman"

He then put both arms in the air and shouted, I mean c'mon, my wife has to help me take a piss...a piss man!

Rumsfeld continued by saying that there is no reason for him to take the blame for the US soldiers who were shown committing the abuse.

Now you tell me, why would I want to admit my guilt for some mixed up soldier who gets off on sticking broomsticks up guys asses? he questioned. I'm not going to jail for that.

I didn't do it, he continued. Or at least I don't think I did. Laughing, Rumsfeld added there was actually this one crazy weekend when I had a few too many mimosas, if you know what I mean, and I sorta blacked out for a couple days.

When asked by reporters when exactly he blacked out, Rumsfeld took a few moments before answering. I think it was sometime in February, he said. I remember because someone took pictures of Condi and I dressed up like cupid, and I remember Uncle Dick (Vice President Cheney}was scarfing down chocolates all over the place.

The Secretary added that he couldn't have abused any prisoners, because there were no images of Iraqis in any of the pictures from what Rumsfeld called his lost weekend of debauchery.

There was, however, one picture of me and (Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul})Wolfawitz. We were spooning and I still had my cupid outfit on, he said. Then making a classic Rumsfeld smirk towards committee members, but I think Georgie and Colin must have put us like that when we were passed out. They're always doing things like that.

When Senator John Warner of Virginia asked Rumsfeld to please return to the topic at hand, the Secretary responded Yessir. Sorry sir. I am not guilty. I mean I plead not guilty. There is absolutely no reason for me to take any responsibility or accountability for the actions of the troops. Unless, of course, they do something good.

As this story was being published, Spc. Jeremy Sivitz received a one-year prison sentence for his role in the abuse. Rumsfeld, on the other hand, was seen getting tanked at The Reef, a hip new bar in Washington.

Written & Submitted by
A_High_Ranking_US_Official


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