WASHINGTON D.C. - Last week, America was not alone in the mourning of a great president. Many nations gathered around candlelight vigils, singing the praises of a great man.

Al Haig was one of the most influential presidents of the 20th century. He single-handedly invented the phrase “terminological inexactitude” while simultaneously ending the Cold War like some sort of gigantic magical John Wayne. He was a master of charm, with a smile that was as psychotic and savagely dangerous as it was distractingly affable. He had horse sense that made even the most crooked of politicians swoon, and a swagger of kings. Al Haig will always be remembered as a true American Legend.

Alexander Meigs Haig Jr. was born in a rusty metal box in Gug, WV. Despite a poor diet and the stress that comes with the experience of being sold to satanic Gypsies by one’s parents at the age of 7, Al Haig survived with all odds against him. By the summer of 1947, he had graduated from West Point military academy. As soon as he was out of the academy, Mr. Haig's boots were pounding the mud in Asia, Europe and Washington. No one in the entire military had seen someone fold laundry and squeal on their friends with the tenacity that the young Haig displayed. Later he found himself in the middle of combat in Vietnam. According to Mr. Haig, “the gooks were everywhere…selling flat soda…giving me those squinty eyed looks….disconnecting my hotel phone in the middle of a phone call to Hank [Kissinger].”

After a year of Vietnamese torment, Henry Kissinger took Al Haig under his wing. They spent every waking hour together. Kissinger would spoon dollops of buttered Osetra caviar into Al Haig’s mouth as they plotted world domination. In 1981, they had almost achieved it, but alas there was trouble in paradise. Citing artistic differences, they parted company.

Al Haig will always have a special place in the hearts of Americans. To a man who was always “in control here,” we salute you.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika