Aries (March21-April 19)
Bitches, man. Bitches.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Newton’s Law Of Gravity factors greatly in the loss of your pet, Wednesday

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You will be arrested for attempting to milk a squirrel.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Despite your over use of semi-colons, you are not any less gay.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Cigarettes? Sure. Liquor? Sometimes. Babies, however never just “fall of the truck.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will be assassinated on Sunday. This will be because you wear a fanny-pack.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Chill your tuna casserole overnight.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You may not have lost any friends when you mentioned your strong attraction to Alanis Morissette, but please keep your thoughts on Lynndie England to yourself, dumbass.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will die a horrible death when your eye surgeon sneezes while operating on you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You have a knack for siphoning gasoline, but you should know by now that horses don’t run on gasoline.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The pandemonium that ensues every time you eat might have something to do with the fact that your understanding of the digestive system is backwards.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
No matter what the nice news anchor lady says, cicadas are flesh eating psychics from the bowels of Hell. Tell the children.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken