Cheney who debated Joe Lieberman during the vice presidential debates of 2000? He was so avuncular, measured, wise, steady, calm and civil. Many people remarked at the time that they wished they could exchange the number 2 men on the ticket for their “smirking” and “lurking” leaders.

Fast forward to July 2004.

"See Dick run."

He’s comparing Kerry to Hitler. Possibly this can be explained by the fact that Saddam is in custody, and since he is no longer on the Most Wanted list, and since Kerry openly criticizes the One True Religion, excuse me, Government, he is understandably confused with the real Hitler of recent history: Adolf Hitler.

He formed an official state energy policy that is suspect, to say the least, one that relies on fossil fuels, expanded nuclear production, increased use of coal fired plants and drilling in pristine wildlife refuge areas. He seemed to do this in a way that had the stench of impropriety as he was no doubt closeted with Ken Lay and his cronies from the world of big corporate polluters excuse me, status quo suppliers. Does anyone doubt that Halliburton and The Republic of Texas were also not only making a recommendation here and there, but that the unholy cabal drafted the language for grotesque tax incentives and environmental protection rollbacks?

Ok maybe I am being unfair to call this a stench. It certainly has the appearance of impropriety. That’s why he was asked and finally sued to disclose who his energy advisors were. What were those litigious people thinking? Who would demand transparency in government to be upheld by The Supreme Court? Tony and Dick’s other homeys got his back. It’s supposed to be a different branch of government designed to guarantee checks and balances. So what if Dick and Tony go shoot ducks on their day off. The Supreme Court is above partisanship, bribery and flagrant corruption. Right? It’s not like Dick personally put these great jurists and guardians of freedom on the bench. Oh, wait.

Last week it seemed out of character for the sagacious and temperate Cheney to tell the senior senator from Vermont to go fuck himself on the floor of an official government building. Where did the kindly, experienced professional, righteous Cheney go? Why is the man who is crazyfor all that strict Protestant conservative moralizing values thing on TV, the health clinics and in the bedroom suddenly so awfully shocking?

Was he taken over by alien body snatchers from the greedy corporate Borg-like civilization? Did they enter his body and thereby throw off some foreign proteins that resulted in certain “cardiac irregularities?” Who really put all those high-tech stunts in this guy? The doctors at Walter Reed? That's a government hospital. They couldn't even cure some made-up disease like Gulf War Syndrome or a simple shrapnel wound to the eye.

Looking back I discovered that Cheney was initially asked by the Bush Campaign of 2000 to chair the process of selecting a vice-presidential nominee. When the FBI came back with background checks on all the possible candidates, Cheney put them all aside and announced that he himself would run for the position once held by his buddy Dan Quayle. But don’t imagine for one second that Dick saw himself as the spiritual heir of the “potato man” or other famous vice presidents like . . .( help me out here)

If a race of alien life forms, desperately concerned that their way of life dominating the universe was being threatened, (by progressive thought, say) who could blame them for entering the body of Uncle Dick. He’s a heartbeat away from the driver’s seat. In fact he is really sitting in the driver’s seat with a pet chimp on his lap. Super human intelligence and fanaticism seem to be behind so many events lately. The willingness to lie about really important stuff like war and presidential elections and the very air we breathe is surely not the work of a mere terrestrial being who stands only to perish by these directives. The dramatic shift is starting to become apparent even to the most introspective, intellectual and thoughtful, open-minded Baptist.

Who’s got Dick? Who is this man? Gone is the veteran, moderate, conservative bureaucrat who charmed us during the debates. No more seemingly reasonable and rational lines of debate. Pretense is abandoned.

(Excuse me; I seem to be having some little problems with my computer and Internet connection.)
All who do not submit will be destroyed!

Wha?

Please hand over your driver’s license to the nearest security official. Tony says so. Please observe the correct use of speech in airports and in the press. Do not attempt to change the existing plans crafted by your betters. Even if you are an esteemed Republican-appointed arms inspector extraordinaire, refrain from contradicting Our Leader. When the facts seem to contradict simplistic explanations Our Leader has made, they must be untrue facts produced by the treasonous liberal media. When the explanations The Leader has given contradict themselves it is your sacred duty as a pat-riot-ic A-mer-i-can to be calm and un-questioning. No sacrifice will be required so long as you are paying taxes. If you do not pay taxes then you are honored to be a friend of The Leader. Either that or you are an unemployed person of questionable ancestry. You wretched slum dwelling waifs are to proceed to the nearest indoctrination, re-education, recruiting center. Your country needs you. You can be a hero like that girl from Abu Ghraib, Wag the Dogthe Jessica Lynch story. Ha Ha Ha!

Otherwise all payroll taxpayers, you are to proceed directly to the nearest mall, boat show or NASCAR rally where you will trade your pathetic wages for a few moments of mindless gratification, distraction patriotic economy stimulation. Please remain distracted, asleep, apathetic while we assume greater control, work unceasingly to scare the shit out of you provide for your physical, emotional, financial, political security . . . security . . . security . . . security

I am Cheney, keeper of all secrets, and I have approved this edict message.

Paid for by the committee to re-elect the Alien Master Race, Coalition Provisional Authority, and RNC. Never mind just do what you are told, you dumb fuck head! (There, I said it and I feel better now.)

…End of transmission

Note to editor. Operating system . . .mind of its own . . .. Losing control. Repeat, Losing Control. Send typewriter. Ahhgggagag

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Lyle Graham