Aries (March21-April 19)
A Pisces will factor greatly in your purchase of yet another gay-ass “elfin” sword.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one cares about hookers when they’re dead. You know what to do.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your foot fetish would be tolerable, if not rewarded, if you were a porn-star and not a podiatrist at the children’s hospital.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your house could catch fire this week, but I wouldn’t worry about it. Let that bitch and those two little shits burn. Serves her right for kicking you out and turning all your white shirts pink with her stupid red bobby-socks. Seriously, fuck ‘em. Go get a drink. You’ve earned it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Penis sensitivity will factor greatly in the small problem you will face with the Highway Patrol, this week.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Chickens are not meant for rape. They are meant for sweet, sweet love from a rustic man-child like you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
I would advise you to make sure your passport is up to date, but by the time you get this, it will be too late. Pick the flogging, it’s better than the caning. Hot damn, I miss Singapore!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Hypodermic needles factor greatly in the rest of your life.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your usual mixing of metaphors will result in the death of a colleague’s pet, Monday.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
“Stuffing yourself” is supposed to be a figure of speech, you nitwit.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Perhaps it’s best if someone else wields the knife this week. Too many have escaped.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
When making a withdrawal from the bank this week, make sure you are not actually going through a “withdrawal” yourself. If that’s not possible, try to not poke the teller with your always-ready AIDS needle.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken