(March 21-April 19)
HEY YOU! Out of the Gene Pool!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Contrary to popular belief, no one loves
you. In fact everyone is out to get
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
The stars predict that on Tuesday you
will be arrested for all that kiddy
porn you've been holding on to. Get
it out of the house now!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Dog feces does not count as an Atkins
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Be sure to pay attention to your cat
this week, she's thinking of ripping
off your face.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
On the way into work on Thursday you
will break out into hives, go right
past work and get some anti itch cream.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Sometimes it's OK to not pay attention
to your horoscopes, today is not one
of those occasions.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
No matter what your boyfriend tells
you, "Susan" is not his sister.
In fact they are screwing on your countertop
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Ten short men wearing "I'm With
Stupid" T-Shirts will abduct you
Friday, be safe.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
After blowing off your fingers with
that quarter-stick on the 4th of July,
you will finally get out of the hospital
on Thursday. You'll need someone to
help you open your doors for a while.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will not vote for Bush in the upcoming
elections. If you do, you'll get no
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The say Ten Thousand people can't be
wrong. Maybe they are right, but they
certainly can be stupid. You are always
one of the Ten Thousand.
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer