More Than Ever Before.
By thamike.com
First Day Of Summer, Bummer For Lost Pooch

NY TIMES 6/27/04 - California Budget - As part of his budget proposal, the governor had asked the Legislature to repeal a 1998 law that requires the shelters to hold animals for up to six days before killing them. The governor had wanted to save money by cutting the waiting period in half.

Today is the longest day of the year in the hottest place in California. The temperature hovered at 103 degrees and there was the faint smell of rotting cabbage blowing in from the east. But what is making it so fetid here in the State Capital is neither the weather nor the cabbage. It’s compassionate conservatism with a very cold nose.

"Hasta La Vista... Doggy"

Recall the recall? The budget fiasco? Ever since Arnold Schwarznegger showed Gray Davis the back door, there was a feeling that something momentous would change. The Golden State is 50 Billion dollars in debt, the largest on record anywhere. But the day of reckoning has finally arrived. The Governator finally demonstrated his dramatic appeal as he explained how he will close the gap between revenue and spending. On this longest of days, the smoke cleared and the white hot knife of fiscal sanity has been revealed. At last, here is what his fellow conservative Republicans proudly call “the master plan from the man from Austria!”

The plan in a nutshell is this: The state has an antiquated law that says, get this, stray pets such as dog or cat get 6 days in an animal shelter before they must be adopted or destroyed. That’s almost an entire week by some estimates and the price of domestic kibble has been climbing like a hippy on a redwood.

So if someone, anyone really, could find a way to save on wasted Alpo and, excuse me, Friskies Buffet, the long fiscal nightmare might finally end.

Who better than The Terminator to rescue the day by terminating the very puppies, guppies and kittens that might otherwise bleed the state dry? Yes, the Governor himself, announced that, “stray animals will have to be adopted in three days or face California’s avenging angel of death . . . in the last and final confrontation.”

Dressed in his gas mask and super-sized lab coat, the pumped-up chief executive strode boldly out to the podium, and in his classic, Teutonic style, said, “It’s over, Rover!” Pity, Pity, little kitty! You and your little cage mates won’t beee baaaaack!!! Cutting state expenses in half is the medicine we need.

A reporter asked, “How much cash is actually wasted per day, per pet, such as a confused Chihuahua, for example?”

The governor’s aides quickly circled him with calculators and palm pilots in hand. Then he slowly turned back to the daring reporter. “I can’t stand here and give you the petty little details about every little Labby and Tabby,” his mouth dripping with sarcasm and projectile spittle. “My plan has the potential to save the people of this state FOURTEEN MILLION dollars in just one year. Listen to me now. There are too many of lazy, useless freeloaders in this state, but now their days are truly numbered. See what I’m saying?”

“Yes,” the reporter said, “but the 14 million dollars is less than one hundredth of one percent of the shortfall.”

"You people make me sick. I’m not here to fiddle with little numbers like that. You do the Math!” the governor replied forcefully. And suddenly he turned and was gone.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Lyle Graham

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