when you're fucking a supermodel, you
can split those skinny bitches
in half when you ease it all the
way in, or blow the tops of their heads
off if you cum too vigorously.
Supermodels are really only made to
be walking clothes hangers, they're
not really designed for rough sex.
Then you have bodies to dispose of.
Fortunately, supermodels make excellent
kindling, although they can be a bit
But back to the subject at hand (no
pun intended). I know you all
think that you're excellent masturbators
and are eager to type on your sticky
keyboards and tell me about the latest
porn site you found or fetish video-
girls tied to rocks while eagles shit
on them as they're fucked by porpoise,
volume VII- that you just downloaded.
I say boring! Amateur crap!
What about your roommate? Or let's
pretend that you have a significant
other who shares your home. Sadly,
most of you probably still live with
your mom, right?
Let me clue you in. They are on
to you. They check your history
folder, they look at your cookies, and
they've held a black light over your
laptop. And the fact that you delete
your history folder every night does
not convince them you're simply trying
to conserve disk space, considering
your hard drive also contains mpegs
of every episode of Knight Rider.
When you're planning on having sex without
a partner, you need to think outside
the box (no pun intended). The
best place to masturbate, besides standing
outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen.
Yes, the kitchen with its endless supply
of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces.
The kitchen; where you can beat your
meat and make a sandwich. Best
of all no one ever suspects.
How many times has this happened to
"Where are you going, honey?"
"Oh, I just have to use the bathroom.
Go back to sleep. I'll be out in 10
minutes, 5 if I stay focused."
"Leave the door open, and don't
flush. I want to see this masterpiece."
But here's your new scenario:
"Where are you going, honey?"
"OK. Just don't eat the roast
beef. It's full of maggots.
So here are some final tips.
Greasing up: It's the mother lode-
from cooking spray to chunky peanut
butter, Tabasco to tabouille.
Extra virgin olive oil is terrific.
But if you have a fast hand, it may
start to smoke. So, you may want
something that can withstand the higher
temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco.
Do not be tempted to use Drano.
I know it says it will clean your pipes
but this is not a euphemism.
Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth,
Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are
all hotties. If you like men there's
the guy on the Brawny paper towels,
the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean.
If you're a freak there's Tony the Tiger,
the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand
from Hamburger Helper.
Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots,
and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them when
you're done or use them for coleslaw
with your own special tang.
Clean up: Again, it's a snap.
Personally I like to do it right into
the dishwasher, but you're welcome to
take advantage of the sink, the trashcan,
and the oven mitts.
While this advice holds true for both
men and women, the ladies get one additional
tip. You don't need to hide when
you masturbate. No one will judge
you, everyone wants to watch.
Youcan actually make a fairly good
living at it.
So enjoy yourself, and until next time,
this is the Editor saying, "Bon
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