"We all know that John Edwards used federal funding to pay for all his botox injections, and that he's really seventy years old," the vice president told the audience. "We're nor certain on this, but he may also be a client of Balco (the sports-drug company currently under investigation for providing performance-enhancing drugs to Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and late singer Rick James). "
 
Cheney then dove into the crowd as Bruce Springsteen's "Born in The USA" blared in the background, and was carried by the crowd all the way to the exit doors at the front of the arena. It was then that, back aboard the bus, Cheney was under siege by several female fans who refused to move for the VP's delegation to leave until he'd waved to the crowd and signed some autographs. Cheney obliged amidst a sea of horny teenage girls who lined up to receive the VP's John Hancock on their tits.
 
"We were, like, so excited that Dick Cheney came to town!," proclaimed fourteen-year old Chelsea Knight, who proudly displayed her rack to the vice president. "He really was sweet and sexy, everything we thought he'd be!"
 
"Oh...my...god, Dick Cheney is sooooo cute up close!," added nineteen-year old Tiffany Gordon, who invited the VP to speak at Grand Rapids via her "Boobs for Bush" e-mail newsletter. "I mean, sure you thought he was super-fine on CSPAN, telling Pat Leahy to go fuck himself, but Dick C. is da bomb in person!"
 
Several screaming fans continued to follow the vice presidential motorcade out of town, hoping for one last glimpse at the cranky bad-boy who sent their hearts aflutter, and covered their cleavage with his own particular signature.
 
"I will never, EVER, wash my boobs again!," Corey Ramierez told this reporter. "He said 'nice rack' to me. Can you believe that?! I am so ready to faint, he was soooo fine!"
 
Cheney's tour stop is only the latest in a string of youth-oriented campaign rallies targeted to appeal to younger voters across class lines. On the itinerary for next week, Cheney will be in Sarasota, Florida, for the Miss Hawaiian Tropics Swimsuit Convention, and will be featured in a scene from the latest "Girls Gone Wild" video, which is set to begin filming in Vero Beach and Daytona as summer draws to a close.
 
Cheney's sex appeal amongst young women is nothing new for presidents and vice presidents: In 1966, Lyndon Johnson made the cover of "Tiger Beat" with an article about what he looks for in a mate, and Calvin Coolidge endured a mini-scandal in 1922 when he hosted a "sauna party" in the White House with several young girls present, skimpily dressed in swimsuits that only covered the torso. But Cheney's appeal is not just sexual; he helped host a special amateurs night at the Apollo recently, where he "laid down some phat beats" according to Russell Simmons. Cheney has also been featured in commercials for Bud Light ("No terrorist could take away the cool refreshing flavor of my favorite drink" is his only line) and for Sketchers shoes.
 
Cheney currently is in the lead of the "Who Would You Do?" political portion of the Playgirl polls, showing an impressive 64% over his second-place competitor, Senator Chuck Schumer. There are plans for Cheney to pose for a pictorial in the special November issue, but no word yet on whether the photos will involve Cheney posing on a bearskin rug or a map of Iraq.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - Washington Correspondent (It's a Living)