"We all know that John Edwards
used federal funding to pay for all
his botox injections, and that he's
really seventy years old," the
vice president told the audience. "We're
nor certain on this, but he may also
be a client of Balco (the sports-drug
company currently under investigation
for providing performance-enhancing
drugs to Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi,
and late singer Rick James). "
Cheney then dove into the crowd as Bruce
Springsteen's "Born in The USA"
blared in the background, and was carried
by the crowd all the way to the exit
doors at the front of the arena. It
was then that, back aboard the bus,
Cheney was under siege by several female
fans who refused to move for the VP's
delegation to leave until he'd waved
to the crowd and signed some autographs.
Cheney obliged amidst a sea of horny
teenage girls who lined up to receive
the VP's John Hancock on their tits.
"We were, like, so excited that
Dick Cheney came to town!," proclaimed
fourteen-year old Chelsea Knight, who
proudly displayed her rack to the vice
president. "He really was sweet
and sexy, everything we thought he'd
"Oh...my...god, Dick Cheney is
sooooo cute up close!," added nineteen-year
old Tiffany Gordon, who invited the
VP to speak at Grand Rapids via her
"Boobs for Bush" e-mail newsletter.
"I mean, sure you thought he was
super-fine on CSPAN, telling Pat Leahy
to go fuck himself, but Dick C. is da
bomb in person!"
Several screaming fans continued to
follow the vice presidential motorcade
out of town, hoping for one last glimpse
at the cranky bad-boy who sent their
hearts aflutter, and covered their cleavage
with his own particular signature.
"I will never, EVER, wash my boobs
again!," Corey Ramierez told this
reporter. "He said 'nice rack'
to me. Can you believe that?! I am so
ready to faint, he was soooo fine!"
Cheney's tour stop is only the latest
in a string of youth-oriented campaign
rallies targeted to appeal to younger
voters across class lines. On the itinerary
for next week, Cheney will be in Sarasota,
Florida, for the Miss Hawaiian Tropics
Swimsuit Convention, and will be featured
in a scene from the latest "Girls
Gone Wild" video, which is set
to begin filming in Vero Beach and Daytona
as summer draws to a close.
Cheney's sex appeal amongst young women
is nothing new for presidents and vice
presidents: In 1966, Lyndon Johnson
made the cover of "Tiger Beat"
with an article about what he looks
for in a mate, and Calvin Coolidge endured
a mini-scandal in 1922 when he hosted
a "sauna party" in the White
House with several young girls present,
skimpily dressed in swimsuits that only
covered the torso. But Cheney's appeal
is not just sexual; he helped host a
special amateurs night at the Apollo
recently, where he "laid down some
phat beats" according to Russell
Simmons. Cheney has also been featured
in commercials for Bud Light ("No
terrorist could take away the cool refreshing
flavor of my favorite drink" is
his only line) and for Sketchers shoes.
Cheney currently is in the lead of the
"Who Would You Do?" political
portion of the Playgirl polls, showing
an impressive 64% over his second-place
competitor, Senator Chuck Schumer. There
are plans for Cheney to pose for a pictorial
in the special November issue, but no
word yet on whether the photos will
involve Cheney posing on a bearskin
rug or a map of Iraq.
& Submitted by
Trev Danger -
Washington Correspondent (It's a Living)