12 times a day is far too much in terms
of masturbating. Cool it for a while.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You think no-one knows your dirty secret.
We all know, now go kill yourself you
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
7 organ donors can't help you, but 8
might. Go get em' tiger.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The stars predict that you are an asshole.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your editor is away on vacation, you
should fuck off the entire time.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Midgets fighting lions isn't pretty,
but it sure is funny.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Muse Plu... Wha? Suga Bloomers!
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You are not Jet Lee, You are not "The
One", you are however retarded
for thinking so.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
They say time can heal all wounds, but
if you don't get to the hospital you
will bleed to death.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What kind of zodiac symbol is Capricorn
anyway? You're not getting a horoscope
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
My oh my... That is some rash.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
HOLY SHIT!!! DUCK!!!
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer