"This is edgy, raw, pure comedic stuff," Dan Van Atta, the show's producer, said Monday, as news of the violent video's victory spread. "We hope to honor Wayne(sic) Gary(sic) and perhaps even help catch his killer. Then again, five grand certainly would come in handy for his family, and gosh all to heck if it wasn't hilarious. Thanks for going out in style, Wayne!"

ABC, which owns the show, said in a statement that it "in no way endorsed the murder of convenience store clerks, unless of course it's rib-splitting hilarious." Network representatives have declined further comment.

The Gerry family, while thankful for the needed money, were ambivalent about their late father's death being treated in a humorous light.

"Duane was good people," widow Opal Eugenie Gerry, 34, told this reporter, "and I don't much know if he needs to be making fun of. 'Course, we could use the money, Junior here's got a club foot and I sure do love them Moon Pies they sell at the store."

Randy Gerry, 16, has taken over his father's midnight-to-three shift for now, and his youngest son Robert E., 9, is being groomed as the eventual successor. The Sphinx home office awarded Duane a special "in the line of duty" medal and a set of steak knives for his ability to keep "that friendly Sphinx smile" even as he lost his battle with the onrush of death.

Van Atta has stated that, as part of the show's new endorsement of fatality-related videos, the prize money could go up. "We're breaking new ground, and we think America is ready to laugh at the misfortune of others."

At press time, Van Atta confirmed that another video, showcasing the horrific dragging death of a small child in Wisconsin, was in consideration, and was being dubbed with "goofy" sound effects from the show's old host, Bob Saget.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - Entertainment Guru
(I have a script, I think it's...oh, you just want to enjoy your lunch. Sorry, I'll get your check...)