Aries (March21-April 19)
4 out of five feral baboons agree: You are absolutely delicious!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You will lose money this week, when your favorite horse dies in a tragic water polo accident.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You find you waste way too much time thinking about masturbating. It’s time to take action. Carpe Diem!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Remember how that girl with the scarf wrapped around her head poured her drink on you? Try to change the subject the next time someone asks you what your “sign” is.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
A game of chance might spark your interest in the near future. Just keep in mind that streaking the Special Olympics doesn’t benifit anyone. Especially in your case.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Pour on the charm this week. Terrorist hostage-takers are absolute sluts for a man with charm.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Money isn’t everything, but try explaining that to the trannsexual hooker’s pimp, Monday night.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Wisdom is an asset. However, the ass on that alcoholic single mother of 2 who lives next door will supercede wisdom on Tuesday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Who ever thought you’d get killed by a pack of homosexual ninjas? Go figure.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your life will become meaningless when you realize that you are part of that 4% who is always “undecided.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Try to look on the bright side of things. After all, at least you weren’t raped by a circus clown and kept in a trailer for six months, with nothing to eat but your own bile and only the pages ripped from hardcore porno mags to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Were you?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will see that “staying the course” is the wisest decision, and that “values” and “faith” are the most important characteristics in a presidential candidate. But keep in mind that you are also a NASCAR fan.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken