4 out of five feral baboons agree: You
are absolutely delicious!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You will lose money this week, when
your favorite horse dies in a tragic
water polo accident.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You find you waste way too much time
thinking about masturbating. It’s
time to take action. Carpe Diem!
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Remember how that girl with the scarf
wrapped around her head poured her drink
on you? Try to change the subject the
next time someone asks you what your
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
A game of chance might spark your interest
in the near future. Just keep in mind
that streaking the Special Olympics
doesn’t benifit anyone. Especially
in your case.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Pour on the charm this week. Terrorist
hostage-takers are absolute sluts for
a man with charm.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Money isn’t everything, but try
explaining that to the trannsexual hooker’s
pimp, Monday night.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Wisdom is an asset. However, the
ass on that alcoholic single mother
of 2 who lives next door will supercede
wisdom on Tuesday.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Who ever thought you’d get killed
by a pack of homosexual ninjas? Go figure.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your life will become meaningless when
you realize that you are part of that
4% who is always “undecided.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Try to look on the bright side of things.
After all, at least you weren’t
raped by a circus clown and kept in
a trailer for six months, with nothing
to eat but your own bile and only the
pages ripped from hardcore porno mags
to wipe the tears from your eyes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will see that “staying the
course” is the wisest decision,
and that “values”
and “faith” are the most
important characteristics in a presidential
candidate. But keep in mind that
you are also a NASCAR fan.
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer