Washington
D.C. - The Independent
Party has announced the location for
their presidential nomination, and have
chosen a historic location like the
Democrats and Republicans (whose conventions
meet in Boston and New York respectively).
"We're excited to go to Akron,
we feel it's a great historic city for
our meeting, and we can host it against
the backdrop of the now-defunct US auto
industry to show what we can bring to
America," Independent Party Spokesman
Ted Klinger said Monday at the special
press conference to announce the location.
"There's real promise about Akron,
I can tell you that."
The party's ticket, consisting of Ralph
Nader and "someone else...can't
remember his name" (quote from
the party chairman), has been making
a go of it in national polls, and is
slogging behind the main party candidates
in terms of popularity. But the Independent
National Convention is optimistic about
some recent poll numbers.
"We're very excited to be polling
as strongly as we do when we're compared
to other even less-likely parties and
nominees," Klinger told reporters.
"We're beating the Communist candidates
(Richard Marx and Laura Engels) by 45%,
the Free Range candidates (Pa and Ma
Bell) by 17%, and we've got a real stranglehold
on the Gold Standard party (William
Jennings Bryan III and J.P Morgan IV)
with 65% of the independent votes."
Akron was chosen for the convention
because it is located in Ohio, a key
battleground state for Democrats and
Republicans. "We want to show those
people in Ohio, and all across our great
nation, that we are a feasible, and
cost-effective, alternative to the mainstream
parties. We offer them the legacy of
generations of brave independents who
voted however they felt best, and weren't
shackled to party considerations."
Akron, located between two other shining
examples of Ohio's contributions to
the Industrial Revolution of the Nineteenth
Century (Cleveland and Youngstown),
has long been neglected since the automotive
industry abandoned it for the relatively
cheap and better-made production lines
of Japan and Los Angeles. The crime
wave is reported at a statisically impossible
105%, and most residents have either
eaten their children or grandparents
for survival since the welfare office
went out of business three years ago.
"These people have suffered enourmously
since 1895," local historian and
vegan Arthur J. Schlesinjer (not Schlesinger),
Jr., said. "They were shunned aside
in the Gilded Age, they never really
got over the tragic death of Warren
Harding, and 'abolotionist' is to Akron-ites
what 'liberal' is to most Reagan-era
Republicans. These people can't get
a break."
But will the convention bring more interest
back to the delapidated downtown area,
and will the city be able to accomadate
the slightly large number of delegates
hoped for the convention? "One
can only pray...if you're religious.
We don't try to cater or discriminate
against religious voters," Klinger
adds.
The party's platform, defined by such
great independent stances as "some
degree of autonomy for the Native American
population", "ambiguous feelings
towards same-sex marriage", and
"bringing back the great traditions
of the Whig party", will focus
on the important issues of the day,
and Akron seems an ideal place to do
so.
"We hope to galvanize the independent
voters to rally around our causes, which
are a 'wait and see' in regards to Iraq,
'really wish we could help' in terms
of alleviating poverty in the inner
cities, and 'whatever the other parties
say' in regards to expanding the war
on terror to other hot spots like Syria,
Iran, and Iowa," Klinger told reporters
at the Akron-themed "Getting To
Know Akron!" fundraiser in Cleveland
(no sites in Akron were deemed "structurally
fit" to host the rally).
The convention, set to last two hours
Sunday night, will consist of speeches
from Independent candidates running
for office, beginning at 8:00 PM. At
8:05, the vice-presidential nominee
("we've really got to learn his
f-ing name," Klinger conceded)
will speak, and at 8:07 Nader will speak
to the estimated sixteen delegates in
attendance. The rest of the two hours
will be spent at a special concert given
by such pop stars as Heavy D, Kajagoogoo,
Spandau Ballet, Melissa Etheridge's
brother Tom, and Kenny G.
"Akron will be ablaze, but in a
good way," Schlesinjer (not Schlesinger)
told me. "Instead of being fired
up by race riots and massive layoffs,
as well as outbreaks of Spanish flu
or striking railwaymen, we'll be fired
up by the Independent Party's zeal to
show a 15% in national polling. The
beer and herpes will flow free again
for a good cause, and this will put
Akron on the map as not just another
town known once for making tires, but
a vibrant and important member of the
world community. I can only see blue
skies ahead for the people of Akron...then
again, excessive pollution causes it
to be unnaturally blue anyway."
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger - Washington Correspondent (It's A Living) |