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In the cutthroat world of political
backing, two new forces entered the
fray yesterday, within hours of one
another. Jesus Christ, the chosen one
and a former carpenter, publicly endorsed
John Kerry's bid for the White House,
while Satan (landlord of the Damned)
threw his weight behind the effort to
re-elect President George W. Bush.
"This is truly a historic moment
in American politics," said poly-sci
major Chuck Weston from his parent's
basement in Arlington. "Never before
have two deities thrown their names
behind any candidate for such a high
office as the Presidency, and now we
have two."
Adolph Hitler, the Devil's offical spokesman,
announced between bits of garbled German
that "business is good" since
Bush took office, and that Satan's traditional
Republican leanings (dormant for several
years) were reawakened by the recent
war in Iraq.
On the other side of the aisle, Mr.
Christ said that he couldn't let his
voice go unheard, especially as many
claiming to speak for him "don't
represent my views." He cited the
recent debate over gay marriage: "I
ain't saying one way or the other, but
again let he who has no sin cast the
first stone. Yeah, Jerry (Falwell),
I'm watching you."
The endorsements of Bush and Kerry mark
the first time in American history when
deities championed one side or the other,
but there is some precedence. "Back
in the ancient world, the gods constantly
mingled with human affairs," said
Weston. "Just look at the Trojan
War, that was a veritable who's-who
of the ancient world. Also, Pericles
gained several poll points when he claimed
favor from Athena over his opponent,
Testostocles."
It's too soon to tell what effect the
endorsements will have on voters, considering
that most Republicans claim God is on
their side (Mr. Christ responded to
that with "yeah, maybe back in
Lincoln's day, but never since.) and
that Democrats have traditionally courted
the Satanic vote. But whatever the impact,
both parties eagerly await an endorsement
from other deities to bolster their
case. At press time, Muhammed was in
talks with the Kerry team, while Buddha
was seen talking with Bush at his Crawford
ranch. Whatever the religious implications,
this election year the gods will not
be absent anymore.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger - Washington Correspondent
(Once Dated Monica Lewinsky's half-sister's
Babysitter's Cousin)
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