CBS’
Survivor: California Recall,
Fiji Debuts With Record Ratings
The newest installment
of the popular CBS reality series
Survivor has debuted with record
ratings! Survivor: California
Recall, Fiji opened up this
past week with a blockbuster
list of contestants and an island
full of controversy!
If shrill foreigners and bland
yet calculating politicians
are not what you are craving
on a Thursday night, then watch
out! Don’t even tune into
CBS! However, I believe no matter
your assumptions or preferences,
you won’t be able to change
the channel!
This week’s episode had
everything anyone would want!
As Cruz Bustamante, who’s
only take along items were cherry
flavored lubricant and Evil,
walked up and down the beach
naked twirling the edges of
his mustache and randily demanding
the rent from the rest of the
contestants, Ariana Huffington
shrieked maniacally at a small
shrubbery in a flurry of incomprehensible
Greek jargon for a few hours
then stabbed herself with mollusks
until she bled! Arnold Schwarzenegger
was no quitter either. That
Hunky Terminator Robot From
The Future was dishing out monosyllabic
pseudo-profundities in between
the arduous procedure of de-veining
shrimp and trying to break his
tracking collar on the edge
of a jagged outcropping! Don’t
forget Tom McClintock! Where
was he, anyway? Looks like he
spent his day on the other side
of the island, figuring out
how to actually survive! I don’t
think he’ll last long!
Nobody likes a Frowny-Pants!
I also think there was another
contestant. He had said something
about a Green…I want to
say…Party? Well we didn’t
see much of him or any party
this episode, but judging by
the size of those protest puppets,
I’m sure he won’t
be easily voted off this island.
That’s right! Go easy
on us "wimps," Tough
Guy!
Be sure to tune in next week!
I think they will all be walking
on the beach naked by that point!
And they will probably all have
cultivated a shrill tone. Or
a foreign one. Or both! BADA-BING!
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken
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