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Russell Paika’s Holiday Tip Jar:
How To Celebrate X-Mas In America

Hello again, dear friends! It’s that time of year again! I’m not allowed to say what particular time of year it is, for fear of angering certain sensitive people who might burn my house down in retaliation, but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Unless you’re a Semite. Or in a coma. That’s right! It’s C*******s! ”...

Bush
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Steroid Use Alleged in Jeopardy Champ's Run

Multiple-show winner Ken Jennings, whose winnings on "Jeopardy" totaled nearly $3 million dollars, is under investigation by federal prosecutors for alleged steroid use at some point during his almost 80 appearances on the popular quiz program, sources revealed Monday...

Jennings
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Bush Decries Ukraine Election Chaos

President Bush criticized the election turmoil in the Ukraine, and offered his support for the Ukrainian people in a public address on Wednesday.
 
“This is a terrible thing for democracy,” he said.  “The Ukrainian people deserve better.  When a country must go through a recount, you know something’s rotten in Denmark.”...

Bush
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Condi to Prez -
"Quit Calling Me Brown Sugar"

It looks like Condi’s panties are in a bind!  That’s right!  As uncovered by stunningly nonpartisan and tactful comic demigod Gary Trudeau, The Prez has a pet name for his new Secretary of State!...

Full Story

Ashcroft Resigning
Door-To-Door

Attorney General John Ashcroft is offering his resignation door-to-door in the nation’s capitol, claim close sources.  Ashcroft, who is stepping down from his position supposedly for family reasons, has stated that he will be using the “Candy-Gram” format to relay his message to the denizens of D.C...

Full Story

Other Newz

Shecky's And Sharkey's Announce Drinking And Driving School

Near Fatal Accident in Overmash Colorado

"Gaydar" Malfunction Causes Awkward
Situation at Christmas Party

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Newz For The Weeks Of
12/13/04 - 12/26/04

Issue # 39

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Osama
Bush, "Osama Found In Last Place We Thought To Look"
Walmart
American Shoppers Prepare For Valentines, Easter Madness
Condi
Powell Weeps As He Observes Condi Enjoying The White Side
Ridge
Ridge Alert: Green "Whew!" 
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